Forgiveness is a stumbling block for many, but we are all called upon to forgive in our lives. Some things are minor and easy to forgive. Other things are so egregious that we can only forgive them through God’s grace and strength. If we choose to live with unforgiveness, it can impact us emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually.

Here are a few facts about forgiveness.

1. Forgiveness is not easy. Saying the words “I forgive” is easy, but to truly forgive requires prayer, faith, and continual giving it to God. When you can think about the wrongdoing, and it doesn’t bother you any longer, then you know that you have truly forgiven.

2. God commands us to forgive. It's not optional. He is our example, and if He can ask His Heavenly Father to forgive those who nailed Him to the cross, we can learn to forgive with His help. There is absolutely nothing impossible to forgive with God's help. With really traumatic events, we must work through pain and grief as well. We may also have a new normal that must be adapted to if life changes are a consequence of what's happened. Forgiving is not sweeping something under the rug and pretending it didn't happen. That will only come back to haunt you later.

3. Forgiveness does not mean you are excusing or condoning bad behavior.

4. Forgiveness is for you. It's not for the person who wronged you. It is to set you free. It is so you are not held captive, paying the price for someone else's wrongdoing. Often, the person who has hurt you feels no shame, guilt, or remorse. The wrongdoer may even have forgotten the event, but we can stay trapped in bitterness, anger, and unforgiveness for years. Many find they are imprisoned by unforgiveness, anger, and bitterness, while others are oblivious to their pain.

5. Forgiveness is between you and God. You do not have to go to the other person. Forgiveness is you handing over the wrongdoing and the person who did it and saying, "Lord, I give this to you so you can deal with it. It is between you and them now so that I can be free."

6. Forgiveness does not mean that you "forget" the wrong done to you. Forgiveness is like cleaning out a wound. If you don't clean out a wound, it festers, hurts, and doesn't heal properly. Once it is cleaned out, it can heal. Once healed, you will always have a scar, but you’ll find it doesn’t hurt anymore. Scars can be a reminder of God's healing.

7. Forgiveness does not always mean reconciliation. Forgiveness and trust are two different things. Some people are unrepentant. They may not feel like they have done anything wrong. Perhaps, they may be sorry for the moment, but you know that the bad behavior will continue for whatever reason. God does not call us to be in abusive relationships. He does not call us to be doormats or remain in relationships that are toxic or unhealthy. We are allowed as Christians to set appropriate boundaries for ourselves to protect ourselves and our families. To have boundaries that include distancing yourself from someone does not mean we hate that person or have not forgiven them.

LEARNING HOW TO FORGIVE

So, how do you learn to forgive? First, you pray about it. Depending on how deep the wound is and how long you have nursed that wound, it may take constantly praying and giving it back over to the Lord for quite a while. Sometimes the sense of forgiving and letting go is instantaneous, but more often than not, it is a conscious act of the will to repeatedly ask God to help you let go of the negative feelings. Each person and situation is unique.

There is an exercise I recommend that can be healing and cathartic. Write a letter to the person/persons you need to forgive. Pick a time when you are not rushed and alone. Then you will write down everything that person has done that has bothered you. Write down all the things that come to mind that you never had the chance to say or couldn’t say. Write down your feelings. Get everything out that you’ve thought and felt and carried inside. After each offense, write the phrase, “I let this go so that I can be free.” Perhaps the person you need to forgive is dead. It doesn't matter if they are alive or dead, or if you see them or don't see them. Just release everything on paper. You will NOT mail this to them, give it to them, read it to them or pass it around to others. This letter-writing process is for you only. (If you have more than one person you need to forgive, then repeat this process. Don’t lump everyone together into one letter.) As you write your letter, you may cry. You may cry harder than you’ve ever cried if there is a lot pent up inside of you. That’s okay. You’ll find the tears are cleansing in this case. After you have written the letter, then you shred it or burn it. You don't save it so that you can re-read it at a later date. You are letting these things go so you can be free.

Many people think they will feel better if someone apologizes. Many people think if they can make someone understand how they were hurt, then a light bulb will go off in the person’s head, and they will apologize. That may happen. But more often than not, the wrongdoer turns around and piles guilt on the victim and takes no responsibility. The victim ends up feeling even more pain and anger and ends up victimized all over again. That is why you don't need to hear the words "I'm sorry, please forgive me" from someone to be able to forgive. Forgiveness is truly between you and God, and it’s for your benefit. Now, your mind might continue to go back to the wrongs, hurts, or anger even after you’ve written your letter. But this is where you have to train your mind. The enemy would love to take you back to that place and let you feel that you are not set free. Memorize the verse Philippians 4:8-9 “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.” When you find yourself starting to go back to those familiar thoughts and feelings, automatically remember this verse and think on God's word. Think of things like, "Whom the Son sets free is free indeed." Think of something pleasant and peaceful. Just don't let your mind go back there to that place and stay there. Continually ask the Lord to heal you and help you let go. To say you are simply not going to think those thoughts doesn’t work. You have to replace the negative thoughts with a good, positive thought. The more you do this, like exercising a muscle, it will take less and less time to make the thoughts go away. Eventually, you’ll find it will rarely come into your mind.

Here is a prayer for those who are struggling to forgive...

Dear Heavenly Father,

I come to you and ask for your help. I know that I am to forgive others as you have forgiven me, but I find it so hard to do, Lord. My mind and heart are full of anger for the things that have been said and done. At times it seems as though the ones that inflict pain and wounds are unrepentant...that they escape judgment. I am angry for what they have taken from me and for the pain they have caused me.

Lord, please help me to see with your eyes. Please help me remember that forgiveness is for me and not for them. Help me remember that my forgiveness does not depend on them apologizing or repenting. Please help me not forget that forgiveness is between you and me. I am releasing my pain, hurt, and anger to you. I am asking for your help to forgive so I can be set free.

I want to forgive and leave this heavy weight at your feet so I can be set free. Lord, their sin and their wrongdoing, I leave in your hands for You to deal with it. I no longer want to be held hostage in a prison of anger, bitterness, and sadness for what has been done by someone else. I no longer wish to serve a sentence for what someone else has done wrong.

Lord, release me from this bondage and free my heart. I want to forgive Lord, as you have forgiven me. You died not only to set me free from my sins but to set me free from all the things that hold me hostage and keep me from being who you want me to be. Please help me to live in the peace and freedom that you offer.

Lord, from this day forward, I want to be healed from all these negative feelings. Thank you for helping me. What I don't have the strength to do in my power, I know I can do through Jesus.

Thank you for helping me to move forward today. Help my mind turn to you when the old feelings and thoughts start to enter my mind. Bind the enemy so he can't bring up the past. Clean the wounds of my heart so I can finally heal and be at peace. Thank you, Lord. In the name of Jesus, I ask all of these things. Amen

BIBLE VERSES ON FORGIVENESS

http://www.biblestudytools.com/topical-verses/forgiveness-bible-verses/

LINKS

http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/a-new-beginning/read/articles/why-forgive-8594.html

https://harvest.org/?s=forgiveness

http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2001/december3/42.73.html

http://christianity.about.com/od/whatdoesthebiblesay/a/bibleforgivenes.htm

FORGIVENESS STORIES

http://library.constantcontact.com/download/get/file/1103081188375-19/P&SWinter2013.pdf

http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/bible-stories-about-forgiveness-5-inspirational-scripture-summaries/

https://insight.org/resources/video-library/individual/669/question-13 (This is my friend Chris Keith’s interview with my friend Colleen Swindoll-Thompson

RECOMMENDED BOOKS

VIDEOS

Here is a great video by Corrie Ten Boom on how to forgive. For those that don't know, Corrie and her family were Christians who were put in concentration camps for helping Jews during the war. She lost several family members in the camps and she was spared through a miracle of divine intervention. She had a lot to forgive. This is a very powerful message.

Click on the photo below to see a gallery of forgiveness quotes. If you can't read the whole quote, right click on the picture and select to open it up in another tab.

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FORGIVING YOURSELF

Many people struggle with forgiving themselves even after they have confessed their sins and repented of wrongdoing. God convicts us of our sins so we can repent and be set free...the enemy condemns us with our sins and our past and tries to hold us hostage and trapped in a prison of self-loathing and guilt. To not forgive ourselves even after we have confessed and repented is to hold ourselves to a higher standard of forgiveness than God does...it is like calling God a liar by not taking him at His word that His forgiveness IS enough and sets us free....it's like saying that what Christ did on the cross was not good enough.

We all have things we would like to change...things we regret... even things that have happened that were not sins but were accidents... but to live in the unchangeable past does not allow God to move you forward into the fullness of all He has called you to. God does not want us to live in the past, and God, in His goodness, uses everything in the life of a believer for our good and His glory. He redeems everything that the enemy meant for our harm...but God can't heal us and help us if we refuse to allow Him to. We must cast off the enemy's chains on us by not forgiving ourselves or others. Think of the many examples of people in the Bible who blew it and were forgiven and were still used by God. Moses killed a man. David took another man's wife and then killed her husband. Peter denied the Lord three times. Paul condemned and killed Christians before his conversion. God's forgiveness is complete and transforming and full of His amazing grace and mercy. Our past does not have to be our prison. God can turn your mess into a message that will help others. God is not limited in what He can do in and through your life because of your past or your mistakes. He will redeem everything and waste nothing.

You can use the letter-writing exercise I shared above yourself if you are stuck and unable to forgive yourself. Write down all the things you regret, feel guilty over, and can't let go of. After each item, write, "I let this go so I can be free. Thank you, Lord, for forgiving me." Then shred it or burn it to symbolize that those things are done and gone from your life, and then walk in the freedom Christ died to give you.